I am the product of my own history.
Or so I try to forget, at times like this, while contemplating what I've done in recent history to ruin my future product.
I am the overthinker, overcoming instinct. As if instinct were something that should or could be overcome.
I am a hypocrite. With a hypocritical view of hypocrites.
Sometimes, I am a liar.
Often, I am lazy.
Usually, I am forgetful.
Always, I am human.
I am Imperfect Perfection.
I won't begin at the beginning. I'll begin in the middle. The middle is always the most pertinent part. It's the building of the bright light of our brilliance which will peak at the end.
I began my middle at 130 kilograms. Most people in my life don't know I sank that low. Perhaps some guessed. All would, undoubtedly, be horrified.
Oddly enough, for the perfectionist, I am not. I have come to accept what I am, what I was and what I will be.
The brightness of what I become will be enough to wipe the memory of what I was. Which is what this is here for. To remember. To be honest. To leave the imperfect hypocrite behind.
In my quest for perfection of body, I've tried many things. Not for long, not hard enough...but I tried. Tony Ferguson, Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser (online and the eventual liquid diet), Starvation, "Eating Healthy", Personal Training...and more recently Rapid Loss and Ultra Lite.
Rapid Loss helped me get to 103 - 106 (where I have hovered for over a month), but it is time for something more sustainable. Something more real. Something I can follow. Ultra Lite helped me develop a terror of carbs, to add to my terror of fat...it is also what my bf calls "The grumpy diet" due to my extreme hatred of perpetual starvation and weighing food.
Today, one week before the Rapid Challenge officially ends for me, I quit dieting. Forever. I quit "Exercise Wussing" (as my bf would call it). I quit fads, I quit obsession, I quit starvation, I quit mediocrity, I quit failure..and I quit imperfection.
I will be the woman I can be. Let us see who I wake up as tomorrow.