Thursday, 16 June 2011


Yesterday, I grieved what I thought was the loss of a beautiful, strong and brilliant woman.
Really, I should have been grieving not the loss of her, but my own realisation that she wasn't lost at all...she had just been hiding.

It's funny, because I remember my ex husband telling me that I was not a woman because I was fat.

It is that comment, and others like it, that I have hidden in the fat that hides the beautiful, strong and brilliant woman inside.

If I say it often enough, hopefully eventually it will become something I think unconsciously, rather than something I have to keep reminding myself of.

She's there. She's just hiding because it's easier than realising that she was there all along...even when I was at my largest..

Wednesday, 15 June 2011

today i want you to know, although you will never read this, that even now if I read your email you sent when I broke up with my husband..I cry
i cry for everything i should have and could have been

Tuesday, 14 June 2011

The 24th Birthday

Even I can see the difference. I can feel proud of the woman who celebrated her 24th Birthday recently. She might have so much further to go, but she is at least walking down the path -- rather than letting herself be dragged by the future.
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The 21st Birthday

I thought, as I finished my last blog, that it was time I thought about where I've come from. Here is me, at my 21st birthday. This is not even the least flattering photo of me.
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Let's be honest. Today I did nothing.
And yet, it's not a complete loss.

I resigned from my job on Thursday last week. I am determined that my boss' daughter, who I lived with and worked with...and began my weight loss journey with...would not see how they crushed me.
Today, I discovered that because my boss had lent me $2500 (and has decided that my resignation makes this amount payable immediately), I will work for 3 weeks and earn nothing.
So for the next month, I will survive on the coins on my floor and the things in my room.

And I will be honest. I have been diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder. Sometimes, it makes me a little unhinged. Often, it makes me compulsively eat...but that is an excuse, and there is no room for excuses here. I have been in darkness so deep that I laughed at the thought of my own death. It would have pleased me for it to all be over. It would have taken nothing to push me there.

Today, I did nothing. But I guess that is the point. Sometimes, to win, all you have to do is nothing. Sometimes all you have to do is keep the night light on, when everything around you seems black as night. You don't have to pretend you're happy. You don't even have to be happy.
Trust that you are amazing, and it will get better. Or don't. Just sleep on it.

It works for weight loss too. Some weeks, you won't lose at all. Some months you won't. As long as you don't gain what you've already struggled to lose, and you're still feeling good...nothing else matters.

Monday, 13 June 2011

The Plan

Let's keep focused. I don't want the bulk of my blog to be about food. For now, I want to ignore food.
I'm going to follow a bodybuilder style diet, but mostly consume what I need to live.

I want to think about exercise.

1. Muay Thai - I will go to my Muay Thai classes.
2. BJJ - I will buy myself a Gi, and show up to BJJ classes.
3. I will return to walking my kitten - yes, I know, it's strange
4. I will spar with my bf
5. I will find a Gym that I love and am comfortable.

And if there's anything I've learned from a blog I've been reading for the past month - I will appreciate the fact that I can move in a way which burns loads of calories.

I will love the burn.


She gives herself over to the chaos
Bloodied lips drawn back
Over bared teeth
She succumbs

Body prepared in suspended crouch
Fingers of torn skin and nail
Clutching in defiance against weakness
Rationality fades

Blinded by searing rage, she howls
Stepping backward into darkness
Fading into the chaos
Exalted self sacrificed to primal instinct

The History

I am the product of my own history.
Or so I try to forget, at times like this, while contemplating what I've done in recent history to ruin my future product.
I am the overthinker, overcoming instinct. As if instinct were something that should or could be overcome.
I am a hypocrite. With a hypocritical view of hypocrites.
Sometimes, I am a liar.
Often, I am lazy.
Usually, I am forgetful.
Always, I am human.

I am Imperfect Perfection.

I won't begin at the beginning. I'll begin in the middle. The middle is always the most pertinent part. It's the building of the bright light of our brilliance which will peak at the end.

I began my middle at 130 kilograms. Most people in my life don't know I sank that low. Perhaps some guessed. All would, undoubtedly, be horrified.
Oddly enough, for the perfectionist, I am not. I have come to accept what I am, what I was and what I will be.

The brightness of what I become will be enough to wipe the memory of what I was. Which is what this is here for. To remember. To be honest. To leave the imperfect hypocrite behind.

In my quest for perfection of body, I've tried many things. Not for long, not hard enough...but I tried. Tony Ferguson, Weight Watchers, The Biggest Loser (online and the eventual liquid diet), Starvation, "Eating Healthy", Personal Training...and more recently Rapid Loss and Ultra Lite.

Rapid Loss helped me get to 103 - 106 (where I have hovered for over a month), but it is time for something more sustainable. Something more real. Something I can follow. Ultra Lite helped me develop a terror of carbs, to add to my terror of is also what my bf calls "The grumpy diet" due to my extreme hatred of perpetual starvation and weighing food.

Today, one week before the Rapid Challenge officially ends for me, I quit dieting. Forever. I quit "Exercise Wussing" (as my bf would call it). I quit fads, I quit obsession, I quit starvation, I quit mediocrity, I quit failure..and I quit imperfection.

I will be the woman I can be. Let us see who I wake up as tomorrow.